Where Do I Go From Here?

I was really contemplating if I should be writing at the moment. I don't really want to bother anyone about my health struggles but I need to write to keep my sanity.  This is the lowest point in my life, and if I understood it right, my blog should contain both the happy and sad moments of my journey. This post and maybe future posts will contain the latter.

Last week, I was supposed to qualify for another clinical trial, but the new doctor seems unsure to take me in due to my sudden low counts. Doctor New also said that my diagnosis is now MDS and he was pushing for a bone-marrow transplant; this treatment is risky and that what's worse is that Filipinos or minorities have a harder time finding a match. Kepi and I were shocked as the news were laid out in front of us. It doesn't help that such dreadful news unfolded while I was having transfusion for 1 unit of blood and 7 units of platelets. There wasn't much I can do but cry.

MDS - is a group of disorders where your bone marrow does not work well, and the blood-forming stem cells in your bone marrow fail to make enough healthy blood cells. People with MDS can lack the right amount of red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets (the small cells that help blood to clot).

The disease happens because the bone marrow cells do not develop into mature blood cells. Instead, these blood cells stay within the bone marrow in an immature state. The symptoms and the course of MDS may vary greatly from person to person. These differences depend on which blood cells are affected. (Definition is from the http://www.aamds.org/about/MDS.)

I cried every day since then. Emotionally, mentally and physically I am broken.

Can I say that "life is unfair"? I feel that my friends and people my age are out there having families, traveling and enjoying life, while I am stuck in this rotten place. These days, it seems that everyone I meet "anywhere" is healthy and happy. I feel alone and I am afraid.

Facing this adversity made me realize that I lived an unremarkable, uninteresting life. I will have no legacy to leave behind or have no achievement to be remembered by.