Thursday, September 26, 2013

Uncharted Territory

I am now traversing in uncharted territory.

I sat underneath a tree and the world kept moving without hesitation. What they say is true, you can be the loneliest person even in one of the busiest cities in the world.

People I know are out there planning their lives, while I'm planning for the unknown. Does the word "future" still exist for me? On days I feel like shopping, I'd stop myself from buying clothes because I'd question if I'd still be alive long enough to wear them.

I've been crying a lot. I am also scared, but the scariest are still to come.

I've decided to push through with the bone marrow transplant (BMT). My doctor said, "Soon, the blood and platelet transfusions will stop working. So it's either you do it or die." I appreciate my doctor's bluntness, as it puts things in perspective.

The past few weeks have been spent consulting with two transplant centers - Baltimore and New York.  I've decided to have the treatment closer to home - Baltimore. The transplant consultations took a lot out of me. My stress and anxiety are through the roof hearing all the new terminology - chemotherapy, radiation, side effects, graft versus host disease (GVHD), isolation, loss of hair, fatigue etc. These will be the words that would accompany my journey.

Difficult as it may seem (and it is really difficult), I try to look for the silver lining:
  • I have a chance to be cured
  • I have 43 in the US, 143 international - donors in the preliminary search
  • I have a loving husband that supports and uplifts me. THANK YOU, KEPI!
  • My family's support and prayers
  • My friends' unceasing messages and prayers
  • My employer's support and acceptance of my new situation
  • I found a compassionate, understanding doctor
  • God will see me through this journey
  • And MORE!!!
Sometimes, I still feel this Aplastic Anemia/MDS thing is a dream, and how I wish it has never come to me.